What to Say When Your Partner is Stressed

When we plan content for the year, sometimes a topic hits close to home which is exactly what happened this month. Not only have I been feeling stress as our practice grows and navigating that on top of being a mother, my husband has also been navigating immense stress as he deals with challenges in his own career. I will be honest it has been hard as a couple navigating stress on both ends and trying to support one another. The trickiest part we both experienced with one another was what to say so that the other felt truly supported, safe, and seen during a hard week. I will share what worked for us and what did not as well as provide some great tools for you to uitlize if you are needing to support your partner while they navigate stress.

What NOT to Say When Your Partner is Stressed

You would think that being a therapist means you know the right thing to say all the time, but the reality is I am human and I still say the wrong thing a lot of the time. And I said a few wrong things in the last week.

Here are a few things to avoid saying:

• “Calm down.” I think we can all agree this does not help anyone feel less stressed, but we are all guilty of saying this when someone is stressed or reacting emotionally. When we say this, we are unintentionally invalidating and dismissing how our partner feels. If they could stay calm, they most likely would choose that. If we truly want to help our partner calm down or move through the stress, we have to help them move through the stress cycle their body is experiencing–listening to how they feel, getting them to move their body to help the stress cycle complete, validating their experience, and helping them access their skills that help soothe them. 

• “It’s not a big deal.” This may be minor to you, but for your partner it is not. One of the best things we can do is be our partners ally and be on their team with the situations and experiences they are having. You do not have to feel exactly the same way AND you can still join them in their emotional experience by validating it and being wiht them through it.

• “Just be positive” OR “Look for the positive here.” While looking for the good, the blessings, the goodness in what we go through can be beneficial for some, it does not work for everyone. I felt guilty of this one this week and often. I tend to think everything works out for my good and that there is a purpose behind all things the good and the bad. While I need my husband to help me see ways things may benefit me in the long-term, that is not what he needs. A tip that works for me is to ask if my partner is willing to hear how I see this could be a blessing in disguise and waiting for him to say yes to hearing it versus stating it anyways.

• “You’re overreacting.” When we are stressed, we want to know we have support and we are not alone. This statement instantly makes our partners feel lonely and even misunderstood. Your partner and yourself get to decide how something impacts you/them; we need to let them have that right and choice and not dismiss it.

What to Say INSTEAD When Your Partner is Stressed:

The best responses of support when your partner is dealing with stress are rooted in making them feel safe and seen and not rooted in fixing the stress. 

• “That sounds really tough. I am here for you.” This is a great example od empathy by identifying how your partner feels and letting them know you are with them. 

• “Do you want to talk about or do you need some space?” I love setting yourself up for success by asking your partner what they need which also sets them up for success. Sometimes our partner doesn’t know what they need and that is okay. We can offer a few ideas that may be helpful and give them the space to reflect on the question of support too.

• “I know you’ll find a way to figure this out. I’ll be right beside you the whole way.” You are offering your partner reassurance here, you’re not minimizing their struggled and you’re making sure they know they are not alone.

• “What would be the best way for me to support your right now? **After reflecting on how I was not doing a great job of support my partner through their stress this week, I asked this question later in the day so that I could be a better support the next day. It is okay to make mistakes and learn from them.

What to ALWAYS Do When Your Partner is Stressed:

Your best tool when your partner is stressed is to LISTEN. Practice active listening by putting your phone down, making eye contact and ensuring your partner has your full attention. Then reflect back what you hear them saying so they know you are tuned into them and are seeking to understand how they feel. Provide contact comfort–an arm around their shoulder, hand on their leg or arm, holding their hand, or sitting close to them. Be close to them if you can be.

What we say and how we show up for our partner is important. Maybe you’re the person reading this that wants some tangible ways you can support them and I’ve got you!

• Lighten their load. Offer to take care of tasks you can manage and genuinely take on to support them.

• Create a soothing environment. You can put on heir favorite music, suggest a walk together, make their favorite meal, run them a bath, wash the bedding, etc. Think about what your partner loves and helps them feel calm.

• Give them space. Sometimes our partners want to be alone as they navigate their stress. Do not take this personally–it’s not about you, it’s about them. It’s okay to check in on them every so often and it’s good to honor that they need some space to process.

When your partner is stressed, remember your role is not to fix it–unless they are asking for help. Seek to offer validation, empathy, and listen more. Make sure your partner knows you are a source of comfort and support and that you care for them.