I wish I could say the way I got my husband to join me in couples counseling would work for you, but it would mean you would have to be getting a degree in counseling and telling your partner “I need to try this for myself and you have to join me because you’re engaged to me.” This worked for us, but, my guess is, that you’re not studying to be a therapist right now. What I can share are some helpful strategies for inviting your partner to join you in couples counseling as well as the unhelpful strategies that I have done myself and also seen clients do. Couples Counseling can be an amazing support for your relationship and how you invite them to do this work with you is an important first step to the process.
Let’s start with what NOT to do when asking your partner to join you in therapy.
Take a lesson from my own experience and DO NOT do this. Let me set the scene. You see the way your partner is communicating with you and/or how they are dealing with conflict with you. You have this great idea to tell them straight to the face this– “This is a YOU problem and not my problem so let’s do some couples counseling to help you.” or some form of that phrase.
Guilty hand raised over here because there have been a few times I have told my husband he should get some counseling and sent the message that I’m better since I’ve done counseling on my own before.
This approach does not work because there is no ownership of your part in the relationship dynamic happening. While you may believe this is truly your partner's issue, the reality is that having a healthy, secure relationship requires two people working on the relationship and exploring what each person needs to work on to help the relationship develop. Relationship growth does not just come from one person–it comes from both.
Here is what you can say instead:
“I have been working hard on my own to try and make our relationship better. I think there are some areas I have improved in and I recognize I cannot be the only one trying to make it better. I also imagine you have been trying to make it better too. Instead of working independently, I would like to work on it together and try couples counseling to support us. I think it could be helpful to have someone who studies relationships help us see what we each are missing and give us tools to be even better together. Would you be open to trying it with me?”
You can read this exact paragraph or modify it to make it more like you. This works much better because you are leading with ownership of yourself versus pointing the finger at your partner. You are making a request and not a demand. Your partner could say no still and that is when I want you to lead with curiosity:
“Can you help me understand why this is not an option from your perspective?”
“Are there other ideas you have that we could do to help improve our relationship?”
“What would you need to be open to this idea?”
Sometimes a “no” is coming from a place of fear and curiosity helps you seek more understanding and create safety for your partner. It’s easy to want to react or become more persuasive. Slowing down and leading with curiosity can help you understand your partner's perspective better and might open a door to couples therapy if you can see what is truly going on from them.
Ultimatums are another approach that does NOT work when it comes to asking your partner to join you in couples counseling. I bet you’ve heard others have done this and it worked for them AND I would like to present the picture of what this looks like when you do this. When you say to your partner, “We have to do couples counseling or I’m done” your partner is presented with a threat/fear and they respond in a panic state. So, sure, it seems like it worked, but it will most likely backfire.
For Couples Counseling to be a positive experience of growth and change, you need your partner to enter into it with openness, willingness, and a belief that this process can help cultivate the relationship you both want. My team and I can share how often we see couples come to us with an ultimatum on the table and how hard it is to build trust and belief that the therapy is going to help them and change them. It takes weeks to months to release the ultimatum and fear that their partner may leave them if “x, y, z” doesn’t happen and the partner presented with the ultimatum fears that if they make a mistake it’s over. Fear does not help change happen.
What you could say instead of an ultimatum is this:
“I am having a really difficult time with the way our relationship/marriage has been the last (few months/years). I know for myself I need our relationship to change and improve because I am in a lot of pain. I want to get some outside support and help and I would like you to be open to joining me in couples counseling. I can’t do it without you, will you go with me?”
You lead with what you need and how you feel versus focusing on what is not working and threatening to leave. We call this a gentle start-up and is known to be handled better than a critical, threatening approach.
I could probably write for hours on this topic and I’m heading on an airplane in the next few hours so I need to wrap up. Here are a few more ways of how you can invite your partner to couples counseling:
How to Invite Your Spouse to Couples Counseling
Take the Growth-Mindset Approach
“I love our relationship and want to keep strengthening it with you. Couples counseling could help us grow in ways that we might not even realize. Could we try it together?”
Team-Mate Focused:
“I see couples counseling as working together and not working against one another or only doing it because something is “wrong.” I see it as a way of developing a relationship that feels amazing because we both deserve that. Will you explore it with me?”
Future-Oriented:
“I want the most amazing life and future with you. Will you go to counseling with me to make sure we are building a strong foundation for that?”
The Stress-Relief Approach:
“There has been a lot of stress and tension between us lately and I don’t want it to pull us apart. Let’s go to counseling to help get us support in navigating things more easily together.”
When you need a relationship check-up:
“Just like we go to the doctor for check-ups to stay healthy–I think our relationship needs its own check-up. I think couples counseling is a great way to make sure we are in a good place to stay healthy together. Can we try it?”
Conflict-Resolution Approach:
“I feel like our disagreements create a divide between us and it doesn’t feel good. I’d love to have a space where we can work better together and through our conflicts constructively. Will you try couples counseling with me?”
“I need your support” Approach:
“I need some help in understanding and communicating better in our relationship. I don’t think my approach is working as well as I think it does. Would you be willing to come to counseling with me so we can work through things together?”
The “Try It Once” Approach
“Would you be willing to try one session of couples counseling or maybe a few? If it doesn’t help we can stop. It would mean a lot to try it together.”
This is not our favorite approach because it takes more than one session to see if couples counseling is helpful. Lean on your therapist to help address what it takes to make sessions beneficial and to know whether couples counseling is helping or not.
Investing in Us:
“Our relationship is one of the most important areas of my life and I want to invest in making it as strong and fulfilling as possible. Would you consider counseling with me?”
This is the “For US, Not Against Us” Approach:
“Couples counseling does not mean we’re failing–it means we care enough to make it the best it can be. I would love to go together. What do you think?”
To invite your partner to couples counseling, be vulnerable with your request, identify what you need and what your hope is, and be open to hearing their thoughts and perspectives. Break it down into smaller steps if there is fear or resistance–look at therapists together, schedule a consultation together, read a book, or listen to a podcast on relationships together. If your partner says “no,” don’t give up. Get creative in ways you can work and grow together even if they are not on board for couples counseling right now. A no does not have to mean forever.
If you’re struggling with inviting your partner, we are here to help! Post in the comment what the barrier is or what you need help with in communicating your need–we’ve got you!!
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